Although we do not expect you to be a professional counselor, you are in a position to be an effective helper for residents. Because you know your residents and share the same living area, they may feel comfortable talking with you. However, remember that you are not working alone. Your RDs, other Residential Life staff, the Counseling Center, SASS, and the Vice President of Student Affairs Office all provide you with a support network. Knowledge of institutional, academic, and personal resources available will also be helpful to you in many situations (for more information on campus resources available to you, see the "Campus Resources" section of this handbook).

Trust is a central component of all relationships, including your relationships with residents.  Residents will share personal and sensitive information with you in confidence about their health, academic performance, romantic relationships, etc.  There is an understanding between you and the person you are working with that your conversation is sacred and that it will stay between you. If you violate that confidence, you risk the person's trust to confide in you again. The resident would be careful about what they told you in the future or may stop telling you things completely.

However, sometimes by not telling other people, you break the same covenant. You break the trust because the person’s best interest is not being served by keeping your knowledge between just the two of you. If the situation is one that could result in self-harm or harm to others, or the person’s situation goes beyond your training or ability to be an effective helper, not telling will cause more harm than good. When you become aware of situations of abuse, harm to self or to others, neglect and/or any form of harassment, you must tell your Resident Director or another administrator. Failure to do so may result in disciplinary action.

Confidentiality is a very difficult issue, but here are some hints to help you with it:

• Always be honest. If put in a situation where the other person says, “You have to promise not to tell anyone,” DO NOT make that promise. Explain that you will not tell anyone who did not need to know. Explain that you may need to tell a professional or your supervisor. Get them to understand that you are obligated to protect them from harming themselves or others.
• If you need to tell someone, always make sure they are an appropriate resource. When in doubt, your Resident Director would be an appropriate person to share important information with.  If they cannot be a direct source of help, they will know where to look. Do not tell other RAs or friends in hopes that they will keep it to themselves.  Know your campus resources so that you will feel more comfortable referring someone to the appropriate service.
• If another RA tries to tell you about a confidential conversation, stop them.  In a gentle way, remind them that they should either keep it confidential or talk with their RD and/or campus professional.
• If you are going to tell someone, always let the person know. Never do it secretly. The only time you would tell your supervisor is when you have legitimate reasons (e.g. concern for your resident's safety or well-being). Explain these reasons, and ask the person to understand. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t, but your primary responsibility is to their health and safety, or to the health and safety of others (including yourself!).

When trust is established, your residents will call on you for emotional support and that is some of the hardest and most important work Resident Assistants do.  The first step is learning how to be attentive and demonstrating that you are engaged and available to the person with whom you are interacting. Being a good listener and setting an appropriate atmosphere for communicating with residents is easy to do.

When talking to residents about personal matters:

• Be aware of you and your surroundings: Do you have time? Are you distracted?
• Encourage the person to talk about feelings. Use "non-verbal encouragers" such as nods and quiet "Mmmhmm's".  These can be effective to demonstrating you are listening without interrupting.
• Don’t be scared of silence. It might take some longer to feel comfortable and sitting in silence can be powerful demonstration of your patience and care of their situation.
• Use "open" body language. Sit facing the person and do not cross your arms. 
• Be comfortable but try to minimize hand gestures and fidgeting.  It can be considered distracting to the other person.
• Remember in detail what is being said - and also focus on the emotions expressed.
• Ask yourself (and when appropriate the resident): What does this resident need from you? What are they asking for?
• Do not judge!
• Avoid rushing to a solution (this will be covered more in depth later).

The second step is active listening: a way of listening that involves more then just hearing someone’s words. It includes seeking to understand the speaker’s situation and emotions.  When active listening, it is important to...

1. Listen for content and feelings.
2. Give a short paraphrased statement about what was expressed and heard.  For example, “What I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like…”  This is effective for "reflecting" back to the resident what he/she is saying, communicating to the resident that you heard him/her and providing an opportunity for the resident to clarify if you did not accurately interpret their feelings.
3. Ask open and closed-ended questions as necessary.  Open-ended questions allow the other person to talk in great detail, elaborate, reflect and/or express emotion and content. These questions encourage participation and make the person think and look deeper into the situation.  (For example: “How did that make you feel?” or “Tell me a little bit more about that.”)  Closed-ended questions can be answered in a few “yes,” “no,” or “I don’t know.” They do not allow the other person to think reflectively or elaborate, though they can be useful to obtain specific information.  (For example: “Were you scared?” or “Did you have a fight?”)

Active Listening Techniques

• Encourage: Do not agree or disagree, use neutral language and varying voice intonation to convey interest, and keep the other person talking
• Clarify: Ask questions and restate according to your interpretation to get more information or help the speaker see other points of view
• Restate: Reiterate facts and ideas in your own words to check your interpretation and show that you understand
• Reflect: Show that you understand how they are feeling and help the person evaluate their emotions
• Summarize: Restate ideas and feelings to review progress and as a basis for further discussion
• Validate: Acknowledge the worthiness or value of the other person, their efforts and actions, issues and feelings

Active Listening is…

• Attending: Giving non-verbal cues to show that you are paying attention
• Pacing: Matching the pace and energy of the speaker
• Reflecting: Saying back the factual and emotional content of what you heard
• Acknowledging: Showing that you really understand what they are experiencing, using a "feeling vocabulary"

Active Listening is NOT…

• Preparing for a response
• Giving advice
• Agreeing
• Fixing the problem
• Telling your story
• Asking “why”

Roadblocks to Listening:

• Ordering, directing, commanding
• Warning, threatening
• Giving advice and suggestions
• Providing solutions
• Persuading with logic, arguing, lecturing
• Moralizing, preaching, telling what to do
• Disagreeing, judging, criticizing, blaming
• Agreeing, approving, praising
• Shaming, ridiculing, labeling
• Interpreting, analyzing
• Reassuring, sympathizing
• Questioning, probing
• Withdrawing, distracting, humoring
• Changing the subject

The following outlines an effective process for advising residents.

There is a fine line between helping and rescuing.  When you take over the problem and just give a solution,  you are then liable to the plan, the resident is not empowered to make their own decisions, and in the future will not have the skills to solve their own issues.  Here are some helpful distinctions:

• A helper listens for requests, presents offers, gives only what is needed or asked for, checks in periodically for future problem solving
• A rescuer gives when not asked, doesn’t check if offers are welcome, gives beyond what is needed, omits feedback, doesn’t check results, feels good if accepted, feels bad when turned down and doesn’t teach skills
• “I believe that people are by nature cooperative and have a deep felt need to work together and help each other. Situations where one person is in need of help and another person is capable of offering it are common in social groupings, and when one person helps another it can be a joyful profoundly satisfying, cooperative experience.  I wish to distinguish such a positive helping experience from the unpleasant and destructive experience which I call rescues.”   - Claude Steiner

• 4.1 Listening & Helping Skills
  
• 4.2 Conflict Resolution
• 4.3 Living Learning Agreements

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